Episode One: The Drunken Menace
by archtech88
Summary: A drunken, womanizing Qui Gon and his skittish partner Obi Wan try their very best to bring order to Naboo. Queen Amidala, meanwhile, has other ideas for what to do with these Jedi - Note: I have seen what is canon, and I am going off the rails. Be prepared.


"I can't believe they don't have any booze on this ship," said Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master, as he looked through the various cabinets and bottles of the conference room on the Federation ship that he and his padawan, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi, had been sent to.

"Master Qui-Gon, this is a diplomatic mission. There isn't any alcohol," said Obi-Wan, pouring out more water for himself into his glass from the pitcher in the middle of the conference table.

"Well there should be. My senses tell me that we are going to make exactly zero progress here and I think that means I should be able to cut loose," said Qui-Gon, sitting down in a chair next to Obi-Wan's.

"Master Qui-Gon, I don't there's a diplomat alive that doesn't know what you're like when you 'cut loose,' so I'd be very surprised if we manage to find any alcohol anywhere between now and when we return to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant," said Obi-Won, leaning back in his chair.

"They exist! Rare treasures, they are," said Qui-Gon. Then he grinned and leaned forward.

"What? What is, oh God, that's disgusting," said Obi-Wan, holding his nose shut. "You had to do that in a closed room?" Obi-Wan pulled a breathing apparatus from his robes and slipped it on over his head, taking delight in the fresh air that it provided through its filter.

Qui-Gon just giggled, then began to sniff the air.

"Hey, do you smell that?" he asked, looking around the room before putting on his own breathing apparatus.

"I only smell … gas," said Obi-Wan, eyes going wide as gas began to seep into the room from the vents. "Never thought I'd see the day that I was glad you're disgusting," added Obi-Wan, getting up from his chair.

"First time for everything," said Qui-Gon, getting to his feet as well.

It wasn't but few moments before the whole room filled with the noxious gas, and both he and Obi-Wan were relieved to have their air-filters on hand. Soon neither of them could see more than a few inches in front of them. Not a huge barrier as they reached out through the Force to see what was going on beyond their sight, but an inconvenience to be sure.

"Are they in there? I can't see them," said a robotic voice from just outside the door.

"Shoot the room up, it's cheap stuff in there anyway. Only way to be sure," said another voice, and with that Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon leapt into action.

They deflected a number of blast shots back to the droids, avoiding the ones that went by them in the random spurts that only an unreliable blaster could allow for.

"That was fast," said Obi-Wan, stepping over the bodies of the destroyed robots just outside their door.

"I guess that this is a 'No thanks, we're fine with things as they are,' from the Federation, then. We best get out of here before they decide to give us a less friendly response," said Qui-Gon, looking around to see the best plan of escape.

"We should find them and let them know that this is unacceptable," said Obi-Wan, glaring down the halls to see if another droid would dare approach.

Qui-Gon smacked his padawan upside the head.

"We should be skiddadiddling, Obi-Wan. There is a veritable army of droids between us and them. Let's get going while the going's good," said Qui-Gon, looking down an opposite hall. "If we get to our ship now, we might still have it to leave on. If we delay, they'll probably blow it up or some nonsense like that."

This was met with a massive explosion coming from about where they'd left their ship.

"Damn it all. Now we have to improvise," said Qui-Gon, swishing his cloak dramatically and leading the way down the hall. Obi-Wan just sighed and followed after, holding his lightsaber at the ready.

Ahead of them were two battle droids, each one deploying a protective sphere once deployed.

"If we're smart, we can use that to take out more of the ship," said Obi-Wan, flicking his lightsaber into action.

"If we're smarter, we can outrun them," said Qui-Gon, pulling Obi-Won out of the way as the battle droids began to fire upon where they were. "There have to be ships getting ready to go down to the planet. Let's boogie onto one of them and get more firepower on our side."

The battle droids didn't let them wait long enough to escape, firing on the two Jedi the moment they had even half a shot.

Both Jedi groaned as one and began to deflect blasts, doing their best to send the ricocheted shots at parts of the ship that could take the damage. The standard on ships like these was the reinforce the internal structure so that it could take a blaster shot or two, but with a wrong hit.

"Incoming!" shouted Qui-Gon, and several of the blasts began to fire around the chamber like shots in pinball game. The Jedi deflected several of them, but the more that the droids fired the more shots came at them until the whole area was a veritable field of blasterfire.

"Master Qui-Gon, I don't think I can keep this up," said Obi-Wan, his lightsaber moving through the air like water. "There's just too many shots going."

"I don't think they can block them anymore either," said Qui-Gon. "On three we charge. Three!" and he began to run at the droids, firepower focused on him. Obi-Wan charged right behind him, trying his best not to deflect shots at his master.

It was too much for the droids. Their shields were good, but repeated fire made them weak all over, and all it took was a single sweep of his lightsaber and the two droids fell.

"Now we run, this time faster," said Qui-Gon, backing away towards the entrance to the ship bay.

They managed to scrounge their way onto a ship headed for what looked like the a populated center of the planet.

"Why would they send it anywhere else," Qui-Gon had wondered when Obi-Wan asked.

Neither Qui-Gon nor Obi-Wan said anything about the matter when their transportation landed on the far side of the planet, as far from the human capital of Naboo as possible while remaining on the surface.

"Shut up," said Qui-Gon once they established where they were. Obi-Wan continued to say nothing, only smiling. "Where the hell are we?"

"Somewhere on Naboo, I should think," said Obi-Wan, looking around. "Though I didn't realize that the forests were this vibrant."

"Obviously we're on Naboo. That's not what I meant, and you know it," said Qui-Gon. "Shit, get down, oh, blast it!" he added, and tackled into an odd looking creature that was right in the path of an oncoming droid cruiser.

"You need to watch where you're going, mate," said Qui-Gon, untangling himself from the native who seemed to be nothing but arms and legs.

"Yousa saved me! Meesa owes you a debt of life!" said the native, unfolding itself from the pile it had been in on the ground.

"You owe me a what?" said Qui-Gon, glancing at Obi-Wan before turning back to the native. "I mean, you're speaking Galactic Basic, so I feel like I should know what that means. But I don't."

"He owes you a favor. A really big one," said Obi-Wan.

"Oh! Great. Can you take us to where the people are? Like, there's nobody here. We kind of need to be where the people are," said Qui-Gon.

"Sure! But you'sa gonna need to hold your breath if you want to get to them," said the native, ambling off towards a mass of mosquitoes.

"Joy. Swimming. My favorite," said Qui-Gon, following after the the native into the mass of mosquitoes near the lakeshore.

"Wait, is that a lakeshore? It doesn't seem large enough to hold a city. Where's the city," asked Qui-Gon, holding a hand over his eyes as he looked around.

"Qui-Gon, Naboo's oceans traverse the inside of the planet. This is probably just this opening to the inner ocean," said Obi-Wan, putting in his breathing apparatus.

"Wonderful. Just how I wanted to spend the rest of my day. Swimming. You know, one day I'll be able to just drink the day away and that day will be … "

"Tuesday. That's what you did on Tuesday," finished Obi-Wan, following the native into the water.

"Then here's hoping another Tuesday comes again soon," muttered Qui-Gon, diving in after.

The swim was a long one, and not for the first time did Qui-Gon curse the ineptitude of the Jedi Order's opinion on what outfit was appropriate to wear in the field. Robes and such looked dignified at the Jedi Temple, but a good skinsuit was usually better anywhere else. A Jedi could do a lot with the force, but drying clothes was not one of those things.

The native's city was one made of what appeared to be bubbles connected to each other by the barest of tendrils. The native lead them through one of the barriers surrounding the city, something they realized as they passed through it was a kind of fixed entry point.

"And of course it leaves the clothes soaking wet," mutter Qui-Gon as they regained their footing inside. The place was, as to be expected, crawling with more natives like their guide.

One of the natives looked up at their guide, glared, then marched over. "Jar-Jar, what's yousa doing here? Yousa gonna be in big troubles," he said, strong-arming their guide back to the gateway they'd just entered through.

"Hold on there, that's our guide you're trying to shove out the door," said Qui-Gon, moving in front of them.

"And why would you need this idiot for a guide?" asked the native, giving their guide a little push, though not an unfriendly one.

"Because that … one …" Qui Gon was proud of himself for not also calling the native, Jar Jar, an idiot, "owes us his life. So he's helping out."

"Then yousa led these Naboo-folk on purpose? Yousa can explain yourself to the Bosses, then, Jar Jar," said the native, strong arming Jar Jar towards what Qui Gon assumed was a transport tunnel, as it was full of a rush of water after a small portal.

"Hold on, we go where he goes. He's our guide," said Qui Gon.

"Fine. Then yousa can explain yourselves to the Bosses too," said the native, and with that he pulled Jar Jar into the transporter.

"After him we go," said Qui Gon, gesturing to the transport tunnel.

"Travelling with you is always an adventure," said Obi Wan, and he leapt into the transport tunnel.

The oddest part of the whole trip wasn't the tunnel, which surprised them. The oddest part was being forced out the other end of the transport tunnel and riding a portal wave to the edge of the Bosses' room.

The Bosses, for their part, were the ruling council of the city, if not the whole of the natives. There were a few empty chairs when they went into the chamber, but most of them had a native sitting in them, and they were easily three times the girth of their guide each.

"I wonder if they got to be bosses because they're the fattest ones," said Qui Gon to Obi Wan, who sushed him.

"Whosa you folk, who come before us with a criminal as you guide?" asked the native sitting in the centermost chair, fat as a toad and just as green.

"We are Jedi, and we came to Naboo to bring warning of a droid army," said Obi Wan.

"Yousa Jedi? We not see Jedi down in the Gungan cities often. Why did you come here?" asked the boss, leaning towards them.

"We got lost. I saved this one's life," said Qui Gon, gesturing toward Jar Jar, "and he guided us here. We hope to reach the Naboo on the surface and warn them of the droid army. Any help you could give would be appreciated, though."

"Well said, master," said Obi Wan, rolling his eyes. "That'll win them over."

"Done. A fast ship, and Jar Jar Binks as your guide. Just promise us that you will not bring him back here again," said the boss.

"What‽ Oh, splendid! Thank you," stammered Obi Wan, giving a bow. "Although that does seem … rather sudden," added Obi Wan.

The boss shrugged. "If he's with you, he can't cause trouble here. He is a mischief maker, and the further he is from the Gungan cities, the happier we will be. That he is with you, in your debt, is all the better. Now go, and take him with you."

"That went well," said Qui Gon as they were escorted to the ship bay. "I mean, we got a ship and kept our guide. So, win win."

"Qui Gon, this is a hollow world. We have to travel through the planet's core. I think we've been set up for failure," said Obi Wan, trudging along beside his master.

"Messa gonna get you there safe, no problems!" said Jar Jar, their guide apparent.

"I am filled with the utmost of confidence," said Qui Gon, his now sarcasm lost on Jar Jar.

The ship wasn't an old one, like Obi Wan seemed to have been expecting. Rather, it was one of the newer, shinier ones. As if they actually meant to keep their word instead of just hoping they'd die on the journey in an old junker.

"Huh. This might work out after all," said Qui Gon, taking his time as he walked around the ship. "How do we open it up?"

Jar Jar touched a part of it and the cockpit opened, revealing three seats within. "Likea dis," he said, jumping into the rearmost seat.

"Cool," said Obi Wan, stepping down into the front passenger seat. "Come on in, Master Qui Gon, we'd best be off. Time of the essence and all that."

"Right. You're driving, though, so scootch," said Qui Gon, and they arranged and rearranged themselves until Jar Jar was their navigator, Obi Wan was driving, and Qui Gon was trying to figure out if the ship dispensed alcohol.


End file.
